Knowledge Advocate

Why do we routinely and automatically deceive ourselves? What’s up with that?

The big question: why do we engage in self-deceit?

The answer: mostly we can’t handle the truth about who we are. At least our ancestors couldn’t do that many moons ago, when our wiring got sorted out. Now we are mostly hard-wired to self-deceive ourselves. It’s a coping mechanism. That’s why getting to “know thyself” is highly touted and hard to achieve.

But why are we so good at spotting the deception of others?

Turns out we are great at spotting the deception of others (mostly!… check in with a few ex-wives and ex-husbands to hear about some colossal misses). We can with ease spot the failings, foibles, and petty deceits of others. That’s because the lives of our ancestors depended on it.

Say some more: why exactly are we good at spotting deceit in others?

Scientists attribute the notion of trust as coming from a need for our ancestors to pick the right folks to hang around with to ensure their own survival. Put another way: the portion of the herd that follows the wrong people thins. For eons, then, trust and rapport were non-negotiable survival tools used to get along and to get ahead. Yet with sheer, blinding, and awe-inspiring force we can summons a powerful and rather intense ignorance that deceives ourselves and others.

Why is it we are so good at seeing deceit in others and not in ourselves?

Scientists now claim they figured that out too, that is, why we see deceit in others and not in ourselves. They say that to cope with the strange, odd, and unsettling realization that we are an awkward bundle of contradictions, our ancestors simply hard-wired away our ability to spot deception when we do it to ourselves! Said again: we have wiring that makes us miss the deception we bring upon ourselves.

There it is: our self-deceit is a hard-wired gift from our ancestors!

In short, we are hard-wired to deceive ourselves. Isn’t that the darnedest thing you’ve every heard?

So now what?

Well, we can use the same tools we use for discovering deception in others right back at us. Those tools include visual and auditory inspection of our verbal and non-verbal messages. We can constantly check those messages and compare what we say, how we say it, and for what reasons we say it with a newfound ability to scrutinize those messages. For example, “If I were not me, and I heard that line spoken that way, would I trust it? Would I believe it?”

Have you ever watched yourself on video?

When we see ourselves on video, it’s not the image we have of ourselves, is it? A sure fire way to spot our own deception is to pay attention to our body language. Check in on it next time you express it. Consider what state of mind you think you might be in. And reevaluate. Get to know yourself by verifying your actions and the messages you send others. Do they pass the smell test? Consider yourself a witness to them and experience your own comments and conduct to get a sense of what impact they will have on others. Pay attention to the little things, those subtle cues we all pick up on with others that tell us whether someone passes the smell test.

So can you summarize your advice for us?

Sure. Because we are wired to self-deceive, next time you offer up opinions and facts that might contradict each other, might deceive someone, then with an outsider’s eye smell, see, and hear yourself in action. Your efforts will improve over time and you will get good at cutting away the self-deception. Give it a try!

Good luck, let me know how it goes!