Knowledge Advocate

Situation: you call a meeting. You know review of something had to happen prior to the meeting. Did they do it? Did they review the book, financial statement, or report?

How can you truly know if folks did their work?

Often people ask, “Did you do the work?” This can conjure up a fib, a half truth that is not intended to deceive (much). Frequently, to avoid the truth, people will hedge their efforts and fib about what they did or did not do, or what they do or do not think.

Example?

Sure. The next book club meeting arrives and someone is asked if they did the reading. They say, “I read a bit of it.” Not very helpful, nor specific, and lets them escape careful scrutiny.

What do you suggest?

I suggest you ask this instead, “What is your feeling about the book?” This is a fundamental game changer. Go straight for their feelings, not their thoughts.

For what reasons?

One reason: people don’t fib feelings.

Next time you need to know whether something got done conjure up feelings first!

We interact with strangers all the time. Many help us buy things, like waiters at restaurants with our order or associates at stores who help us when we need to find a product.

Those are the people who ask, “May I help you?”, right?

That’s right, it is a common question that people at stores and restaurants ask; and it’s not very helpful. It makes us work to figure out what it is they need to know from us to help them help us.

Is there a better way?

Yes. If the people don’t clear up what they need to know to help us, we can say, “How can I share what I know to help you best?” In this way we ask them what they need to know from us to help them out. This method puts the control of figuring out what the other people need to know in the hands of the people in the best place to know how to do just that… them!

Why is this useful; it sounds silly?

It may sound silly and yet it improves mutual understanding by helping them help you on their terms. The question allows them to focus on what they need to know from you to help you.

Can you say that again, differently?

Yes. It turns out that helpful people who ask “may I help you” end up making us do a lot of work to figure out how to give them the information they need to help us. So, this method of offering the helper the ability to explain the process they use to help can do wonders for speeding up the understanding process. “Help me– help you– help me.”

Example please?

A good example is a call to a bookstore. Say you know what you are looking for (a book). The person who answers the phone asks, “How may I help you?” This is because they don’t know if you are looking for a book, maybe you want a CD, a magazine, or directions to the store. Lots of options. Who can say but you, right?

So you respond, “how can I share what I know to help you best?”

Exactly! Here’s the dialogue:

Book seller (on phone): can I help you?

Buyer: I am looking for a book. How can I share what I know to help you best?

Book seller: well, do you know the title?

Buyer: sure, here it is…

It’s that simple?

Yes. You see, when the book seller asked whether or not he or she could help, that question did nothing to frame mutual understanding. While you may mention you are looking for a book, you still don’t know how the person searches for books.

So you want to know his or her process for helping you?

Precisely. What does the system for finding books, computer or manual, need to know from you? Will it be the title? Author? Year? Dewey decimal system for goodness sake! Since you do not know how they do what they do, this method of asking what is needed from you prevents you from saying anything that is not important to them.

You are making sure you help them to help you?

Yes. This approach, in short, lets them help you help them. It does that by having them request the information you have that will help them help you, and to do that in the way that is the best way for them.

There is a bonus: this method works with coworkers and loved ones too!

Try the method sometime when a coworker or spouse offers to help you. Ask them how what you know can best help them help you. Doing this will help clarify what they need to know, how they need to know it, and what they will do with what they need to know. It will also really boost the mutual understanding that happens between you. Try it.

Have fun!

I bet you have never heard of a “bundiction” before. With good reason: I made it up. It is what it sounds like. It stands for: “bundle of contraditions.”

Can you put it in context please?

Sure: “He is a bundiction; he says one thing, gestures another, and means a third thing altogether! How frustrating!” See, the “he” is a bundle of contradictions.

Who cares?

We do. Or should. Because we are all bundictions. Interestingly, while we see the contradictions in others it is real hard to see them in our own actions and thoughts.

So are you asking me to use bundiction when I talk with others?

Exactly. It will help you. We all share in these complex contradictions, so invoking the word will hopefully encourage you to have more empathy. The path to overcoming obstacles starts by admitting we have them in the first place.

Give it a try. Good luck!

How much fun is it to hear these: “You should do this,” or, “If I were you,” or, “You know, this is what I would do.” Not fun, right? If not, why do we sometimes say them? These phrases are contrary to the “language of choice.”

What do you mean by the “language of choice?”

The “language of choice” includes phrases like: “You have the following option,” or, “Here is a choice for you to consider,” and the ever faithful, “This is one opportunity and there are many more.” It simply refers to the conscious effort to package your suggestions carefully, so that the other person understands your intentions and authentic efforts to share what you know, feel, or sense about what comes next.

The”language of choice” is critical as we offer to others what we know.

The language of choice stands for this point, which is also the point of this post:

we have a conscious ability to give people a better way to experience our suggestions.

Do you have some specifics to help make sense of that point?

Sure. Specifically, we can share what we know better by minding our energies, word choices, body language, and states of mind. Each one of these elements offers a unique ability to give choices to others that come across as well intentioned, reasonable, and therefore, acceptable. By keeping these elements in mind we do better as we offer others choices that they may or may not follow; it’s their choice!

Examples?

Sure. Word choices are easiest and you read some examples of those above. The following nouns are a good starter list: options; considerations; suggestions; opportunities; choices; paths; ways. Use them like this: you have the following options; here is an opportunity you might consider; and the helpful, here are several ways of doing it and you choose what’s best for you.

What about body language cues?

I define body language to include tone and pitch and other non-verbal sounds. When offering choices it is best to do it without judgment, bias, or noticeable weighting of the options offered. The body cues that support these conditions include “openness,” of eyebrows, shoulders, palms and chest. Other cues involve a steady and soft gaze, a heart-felt tone of voice, and quiet pauses between choices. Those pauses give them a chance for chance and opportunity to blossom. And of course, when offering choices make sure to let the person have the physical space enough away from you, quite literally, give him or her the room necessary to decide things on his or her own.

States of mind and energy; what happens with them as we offer choices?

States of mind and energy are noticeably harder to coordinate as we offer choices to others. The good news, if you use the right type of body language cues your states of mind often follow! When you answer a question and do so with choices, the preferable state of mind is “ponder.” Ponder as a state of mind causes us to be considerate, understand things aren’t always as they seem, and as we ponder we know that minds are not yet made up. Alternatively we can simply offer choices with a statement. The state of mind that works best then is an open one; literally, an open state of mind. I know, this is vague. What does open mean here? As a state of mind, consider that an open mind implies that there are no barriers present, there are no pre-determinations, there are no boundaries.

What energy works best when we share different choices?

Energy is the critical element necessary to master the language of choice. To pull off honest, reasonable, and well-meaning choices shared with others, we must connect with their energy, and their sense of things. Because the choices we offer come from us and not them, efforts to manage our energy when sharing choices is hard.

Do you have some steps to follow on how to manage energy while offering choices?

Yes.

First, acknowledge that the energy of the moment is key to a successful outcome. That will help you maintain conscious awareness of the energy.

Second, us energy that links your senses with the other person’s senses when you state your choices. Alternatively, if you answer with choices, use the energy of making sense. That energy is firm, grounded, it is energy that knows from where it comes.

Third, mind the flow of energies, your own and the other person’s, as they merge. Does a union of energies happen, or, is there a clash? Answering that question lets you know how well your choices are received.

Have fun exploring the language of choice. Let me know how it goes!

Rebuke is an odd word. It is rarely used. The definitions I find do not shed light on how this word makes sense in the presence of trust and in the absence of judgment.

Can you rebuke someone without judging them?

Here is my dilemma. I have come upon references to people that seemingly knew how to rebuke others (that is, stiffly correct them about something they did) in the absence of judgment, all the while maintaining absolute faith and trust in them. How is this possible?

How can we present a rebuke that isn’t completely offensive?

I am unsure. Some people seem to be able to rebuke others and not judge them, all the while maintaining absolute faith and trust in the person.

Is it really possible?

I don’t know. Frankly, whether or not anyone has been able to do it, the question to us remains…

Can we rebuke without judgment those people we have great faith and trust in?

This post is a work in progress because the art of rebuke is little discussed and rarely asserted well. Rebuke in the absence of judgment is simply unheard of.

How do we rebuke without judgment while maintaining trust and faith?

No answer. Is it even possible? I don’t know. I know this, rebuking someone without judging them, and while trusting them, is a goal worthy of trying.

If you know the answer, please share!

Thank you.

Has this happened to you: someone speaks about something; they show excitement, passion… and… wham! None of it makes any sense to you at all! Been there?

What can we do?

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Can you throw me a bone?” People use that phrase when they feel like they have not connected to what we are trying to say. They use it when what we say comes out of the blue for them because they need us to help them “get it.” They say it when their best efforts to understand won’t work.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we gave each other “more bones” when we talked?

I bet you would appreciate folks making sense more often. In particular, I bet you would benefit if people explained themselves better when they talked. Imagine better explanations happening daily in our talks for a moment… ahhh.

Is there anything to be done about this?

Here’s what can be done. Let’s all learn how to “tether” better. In fact, let’s make “tethering” a commonplace tactic for understanding each other better.

Hold it! What is tethering?

“Tethering,” for purposes of our talks, is just like what it sounds. The word “tether” means to tie together, so “tethering” is a talk technique that helps connect what we say with the kind of thoughts that will help people better understand what we are saying.

Can you give me an example?

Sure. When we “tether” a conversation, we tie what we say to something the other person already knows. “You know Billy, he was at your party the other day [here comes the tether...] and wore the shirt you laughed about with the pink polka dots, …” When we offer a tether like this, it helps the other person make better sense of what we are saying. There are lots of Billys and not all of them wear shirts with pink polka dots on them. When people are “tethering,” they tether what they say to things that will let the other person better understand the point they make.

Wait a minute! Throw me a bone now… what are you trying to say?

The art of “tethering” helps others connect what we say to what they already know.

Do you have another example?

Sure. Take a topic like “rebuke.” First of all, what the heck does “rebuke” mean? Second, for what reason would I talk to you about it? Third, what does rebuke have to do with you and why do you care to hear me talk about it? Quite frankly, what’s in it for you to listen to me talk about rebuke at all?

And so?

So, when you have a topic like rebuke, share your definitions at first. In the rebuke example, define what rebuke means. Then, give time to process the definitions and let the person sort out the different ways to think about the words. After that let him or her know why you brought up the topic, make the reasons compelling. Finally, explain why you are the right person to tell him or her about it.

Please summarize the gist of this post?

The gist is that if you tether your thoughts more, the quality of your talks will go way up. What follows are simple steps you can use to tether any topic. Good luck!

Step-by-step guide to tethering your talks

Step one: give definitions (even if you think everyone already knows them)

Step two: explain the reasons for bringing up the topic

Step three: make “what’s in it for me?” (WIIFM) clear and relevant

Have fun! Let me know how it goes.

Ever notice when you really “hit it out of the park,” when you perform beyond your expectations and sense you had a peak performance, you have a hard time recalling the specifics? In fact, “you” get lost in the moment as time stands still and “you” find yourself in the zone?

Where does our ego go when we experience a peak performance?

We don’t know. It turns out “they” (you know, “the scientific people”) studied this in labs and have proven that when folks have a peak performance, they don’t think of “themselves” at all. Instead, they leave their egos at the door. Peak performance, it turns out, happens without our ego present. Or at least, there seems to be no need for it. The ego just doesn’t surface. Maybe a better metaphor: it dissolves to allow room for our peak performances.

Holy moley! The ego dissolves during peak performance?

Yup.

What does that mean, really?

It means that when we make sure our ego is present and we pay a lot of tribute to our ego and the ego of others, the chances of us or them having a peak performance are slim to none. In other words, peak performance wants to happen without our ego being present, or at least, when peak performance happens, our ego is not present. Cool, right?

So what else does it mean?

Another way of saying all this is that to peak perform at work we must get rid of our ego! At least, we must calm it down so it doesn’t get in the way. Ego-be-gone. Poof!

Poof!? There goes my ego? Are you crazy?

That’s about right. I’m crazy. Or maybe I just want to see more peak performance in the work place. So, next time you really want to peak perform, think about nothing. In true Yoda form, “do or do not… there is no try.” Mostly, feel the force and deep six your ego. Who knows, you might just watch your performances go way up. Could be.

So why all the pop business books about ego this, personality that?

Marketing and sales I guess. When was the last time an ego fest or a personality party really got down to the brass tacks of getting things done? Think back to your best performances, I bet you had a sense you were doing something for more than yourself, right? Or at least for that moment, it felt that way. Strange, huh?

So what are you saying about our love for the cult of personality at work?

The concept of personality typing and meeting ego needs may actually hurt, not help, our ability to consistently perform at peak levels. That’s all I am saying. More to the point, I have a hunch that by focusing on personality types and ego assessments, we may well be taking ourselves farther away from, not closer to, our peak experiences at work. Oh darn.

What are you really saying?

The gist of this post is that if you want more peak performances at work– from yourself and those you work with– do more things to reduce and dissolve your egos.

Well… let me stew on this one for a while.

Take some time, let me know how it goes!

So you have decided to change how you talk. Congratulations. Now what?

Where should you start on the way to getting better at your talk skills?

Great question. Many possible answers and one that rises to the top: start with the talk skill you can change with the least amount of effort. Focus in on that one skill and you will give yourself the confidence to change some other talk skills too– including the more complex skills like negotiation, influence, or empathetic listening.

Can you answer the question: which talk skill should I start with?

Well, I waffled on the answer to the previous question because everyone is different. Really and truly, only you know where to start… only you know which talk skill of yours will be easiest to change. That answer is a bit of a cop out, a “QNA,” or question not answered, so I think I owe you one possible answer. Here is comes:

Start with silence.

Really? Yes… really. Start with silence. Start with the talk skill of silence; getting better at silence will be easier than you think. Trust me.

Well, that’s not very helpful!

I know: encouraging you to start with silence is like saying “work on your listening skills,” or, “don’t judge people.” So vague and amorphous, that advice comes across like a cheap copy of a Monet painting– lots of color with little or no definition. So why am I offering this advice? Because with a little effort, you will get great results.

Start with silence; the key is, be truly silent.

So when you are being “silent,” there must be absolutely no words spoken (the obvious point), and absolutely no non-verbal cues, mumbles or pitch and tone expressions… none, zippo, nada (this second point is the less obvious point). The combination of silencing your words and silencing your body language along with other non-verbal stuff helps you really feel, and appear, silent.

Why should I be so silent?

When you are truly silent, you listen better. Again, better silence, better listening. Also, you pay attention to more things and less to what you are agreeing or disagreeing about as you hear and experience the other person’s shared thougbts. And interestingly, a by-product of a better form of silence is that people will like you better. So go ahead, try out your new found kind of silence soon and experience first hand the power of true silence.

Let me know how it goes!

Say things in bits of 7 or less. Mostly, reduce it to 3.

Examples: Tell someone your phone number is 555-2961, and not 201-555-2961. Or give them your zip code as 86153, and do not add the “post office four!” In other words, do not say 9 numbers straight in one blast: 861539039. Doing that is inappropriate.

What do we make of this “7 or less” rule?

The 7 bit rule happens, it happens all over the world, you can’t beat it so might as well join it. It’s how our brains work. On average, they process about 7 bits per blast of information (in computer speak: we inherited a 7 bit processor). Mostly though, brains are 3 bit processors. That’s why three things are magic, in bullet points, religion, and friends.

When you say things do it in 7s or less; when you can, limit it to 3 things!

During team building workshops I rely on an exercise that names the verbs we use to tell others what we do. Below I offer some of the key questions that will help you write out your list of verbs. If you have not done this exercise before it will be informative for you.

What verbs do people come up with during the exercise?

Folks use all kinds of verbs so it is hard to categorize the ones they use here in any meaningful way. It is easier, however, to identify the verbs they often leave out: should; could; would; ought; and might. These verbs help maintain confusion, indecision and delay. People also name these: want; need; try; hope; plan; wish. These verbs are weak, they are steps away from our goals. Finally, folks rarely write these next verbs down and yet they creep into our daily life all the time: can’t; won’t; don’t; shouldn’t; wouldn’t. Negative verbs produce negative outcomes.

Power verbs

It turns out there are verbs that power up our actions. To learn more do some research on Robert Tennyson Stevens. He studied the Hopi peoples, among other things, to arrive at power verbs that make goals happen. Here is a short list of such verbs: am; will; can; do; know; choose; have; give; love.

What questions will help us identify the verbs we use most often at work?

Here are questions you can use to do this exercise on your own:

Describe what you do with others in your company?

What do you do for your work with folks outside of your company?

Think about several recent days at work; what is happening? List the actions.

On your way to work, what verbs describe what you will do that day?

What do you get paid to do?

What do people tell you to do?

What do you tell yourself to do?

These questions should help you begin the exercise. Good luck!