Knowledge Advocate

Hard to pronounce, sounds funny, and would look funnier too if I used the “umlaut” version of the name.

What is the Grueneberg ganglion anyway?

The “Grueneberg ganglion” refers to a ball of nerves we mammals have near the tip of our noses. These nerves help us sense alarm pheromones. Whether we like it or not these sensing cells report on what’s happening in our world as part of our olfactory system. This thing quite literally scares the”you know what” out of us.

Can we block the alarms that this thing sends out?

Sure we can. It’s kind of like a fire alarm with a tired battery, isn’t it? The Grueneberg ganglion sends out an alarm that might be useful, but probably not for the bigger purposes it was initially meant to alarm us about like lions, and tigers, and bears. Millions of years ago when we faced more natural dangers this bundle of cells came in real handy. How’s it working for us now, though, in our cubicles, on sales calls, during conversations about what to eat tonight?

Today, danger is relative so let’s ignore this ancient alarm feature and vastly improve our talks.

Next time we get the sense something is off or we feel a little uncomfortable and don’t know why, let’s thank our Grueneberg ganglion (among a bunch of other ancient gear we don’t even know we have). Then, we can promptly ignore the warning.

Here’s what to do instead.

When we “sense” danger next time although harm’s way seems nowhere near go ahead and take nice long breaths. Accept that the perceived danger is probably not a realistic one. Then avoid the fight or flight response. Communicate what is happening calmly and sort it out without too much fear or anxiety. This approach will help us work through the moment’s meaning and overcome our evolutionary instincts at the same time.

Try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Has this happened to you?

We answer a great question and then ask the questioner the same question– no response.

What happened here? The person thought up the question. He or she understood it in the context of our talk. And now, no answer. Silence. Or, a dodge, a move on, an avoidance, a focus back on us, the person who just offered the answer, supposedly to “hear more of the answer.”

When questions boomerang — why no answer from the person who asked in the first place?

So many reasons surely we cannot list them all. Context of the talk, content already shared, maybe it relates to the purpose of why we were speaking in the first place. All true, and still? Someone asks a question and is not willing to answer himself or herself, really?

Do we care to hear the answer?

Maybe he or she thinks we don’t care. They do a little dance to test our mettle. So then, if we “care” enough, we persist. If we want to hear that person’s answer, we repeat the question, this really expresses our interest. A game of sorts, true? A social exchange: “No really, what do you think?”

Why do these dancers tip toe around the answers?

Why the delay though, that is what this post is about. Why would a person who thinks up a perfectly great question become a dancer of his or her own answer? What is going on that he or she thinks enough to ask the question yet is perfectly content to not offer an answer. So curious.

What if the failure to answer is a fundamental road block to better relationships at work and in life?

There. I said it. What if this ability to not answer becomes an omission that critically affects how we live and play and work and act? That’s what this post is about. What if by holding back, by demurring, by reserving judgement and opinion and thought and feeling, we really become part of the problem? What if it is with those unanswered questions, those very questions we are happy enough to ask others, that we can forge true common sense and achieve simple and delightful mutual understanding?

The willingness to answer our own questions is a perfect path to solving our problems.

We have the opportunity to answer our own questions. The results will startle us. We can come clean with our thinking, sharing, and feeling in spoken word. We can share our answers out loud in response to the very questions we ask of others. This is an excellent first step to solving our problems. It is in realizing our own answers that we will find opportunities, make sense, and see the common ground.

How exciting!

I teach body language. I know, that sounds a little silly. After all, body language was the first language we learned (from about three months on). Spoken language did not kick in until about eleven months. In fact, before we could speak as a species, our forebears used body language (and tone, pitch, timing and rhythm) to communicate with one another. So, it is a language that presents effortlessly for us.

So what is there to learn about body language?

Well, for starters, not everyone uses the same cues. That makes sense because we taught ourselves those non-verbal cues, or had them built in at birth (for example, blind people make visible gestures even when speaking to other blind people and they do it from their earliest of ages). So each of us use our own special version of shrugged shoulders, puckered face, hand movements and other non-verbal messages. Families have their own special cues, as do cities, regions, countries, and groups of people. Lots to learn, about the differences, similarities, and meaning of it all.

Can you give us an example of how different people speak different body languages?

Sure. Consider a furrowed brow. Some folks furrow when they are angry (common), while others furrow when they are thinking. So which one is it? Hard to say without further investigation.

Are you saying there are lots of different body languages?

Exactly. Just like spoken words, there are nuances of body language, like dialects of speech. There are certain universals, of course, and there are certain ways of using our body cues more consciously so that we can make our body language make more sense to others. Still, there are lots of different ways of “saying” things with your body. That is often why the non-verbal cues of others can cause a lot of misunderstandings.

So what’s with the “eyebrows up” command?

Eyebrows up is simple to do and it is an easy way to show you the benefits of consciously changing your body language. When our eyebrows go up we let more light in. We also put part of our bodies in a place where that part (the eyebrows) often goes during an open state of mind. From that position, and corresponding state of mind, we can better consider what is happening to us.

Is there a trick to this?

Yes, and no. By merely placing our eyebrows up we put ourselves in the literal position of being open and receptive to more stuff (light for one, and also others’ thoughts and actions). This way, our bodies can inform our minds of what state to be in. Pretty nifty. And it takes almost no work to do. It is a trick if we do it consciously, and it is simply what happens naturally when we lift eyebrows up in the midst of a feeling or line of thought.

So, when is a good time to try this trick out?

Try this. Next time you are driving and something annoying or frustrating happens… put those eyebrows up! For example, someone cuts in front of you or comes too close to your car. Don’t stop yourself from getting mad or concerned. And, put your eyebrows up. See what happens!

Do you have a hunch of what will happen?

Yes. When you put your eyebrows up in a time of stress, fear, or anger, your mood will instantly change. This is my prediction. And if your body mimics a place where you normally have a completely positive, helpful state of mind, then that mood will be more present than the negative, angry mood that started to happen because someone did something wrong to you. Just try it, and let me know how it goes.

My prediction: change your body language and you will change your mind!

Ever notice talk has a cadence, a rhythm, a pitch, a tone?

Before their were words our ancestors communicated with music.

Dr. Daniel Levitin says it well in his You Tube video:  Neanderthal chanteuse

Because 50-90% of our communication is non-verbal, when it sounds right, we feel right.

Next time we talk let’s consider the music we make. It matters!

About 20 percent. That is what a fellow named Ebbinghaus figured out more than 100 years ago.

What does this mean for answers about events that happened more than 30 days ago?

You see where this is going? Round about 80 percent of the stuff we hear comes straight out of our forgotten zones. Oops. So, how is it that, when we ask folks things about events in their lives, what they recall is usually more than 20 percent of what happened?

We are truly ingenious creatures when it comes to what we believe happened!

We make it up. Of course, there might be good reasons, logical reasons, for saying what we say. And our guess-work might be first class. Still, if you believe Ebbinghaus (and his work has been repeated in labs around the globe ever since), we are filling in gaps. Big gaps. We are actually making stuff up. Because at 30 days the studies let us know we forget about 80 percent of what happened.

So what does this mean for us and for those who give us answers?

It means first, be compassionate. Most folks don’t think their memory of events is no more than 20 percent guaranteed. Second, double check what you hear. Third, remember that the vast majority of what we recall might need fact checking, and be flexible about what the honest to goodness truth might be.

Now, let’s see how much of this post you remember in 30 days!

Depends on the end goal. I find for most things, asking works out better than telling.

Why ask when we know? Why not just tell?

Asking from a sense of wonder helps clear the moment. Questions let the person I am with express his or her thoughts. Then, I learn something and the other person reminds himself or herself how he or she thinks through things. We both benefit.

Asking questions helps us experience things from another’s point of view.

Asking questions and following up on the answers helps us see and feel things differently. Particularly when we ask to learn from a state of wonder; that’s when we seek sense of what we hear. The questions help us find mutual understanding. We learn what common sense we share together.

Asking questions helps the other person think through things.

Questions help the other person think about what he or she is saying and how it fits in with how that person gets things done. Many times the person invents a first-time response. This invention process is powerful for the person because what we say we own better than what other people tell us. This, in a nutshell, is why asking is better than telling.

Next time you want to tell someone something, ask a question. The result may surprise you.

Today’s Sunday New York Times (January 10, 2010) prints part of an interview with Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos. Zappos sells shoes over the internet; Amazon purchased it recently. Zappos grew into a billion dollar a year sales company in the last nine years. Here is part of its formula:

Formula for fast growth with happy employees:

1) emphasize culture, smart;

2) do so with clear, definable and simple concepts that align most of the employees, smarter still;

3) hire and motivate employees based on those concepts, really smart;

4) do so with smart questions, simply brilliant.

Smart companies know the power of smart questions.

The reporter asked Tony what question he would use to get a better sense of a person. His response:

“If you have to name something, what would you say is the biggest misperception that people have of you?” Tough question. And wait for Tony’s follow up: “What’s the difference between misperception and perception?”

Getting to the bottom of things requires more than one question.

Here, Tony’s follow up is more important than his starter question. That’s because the topic of perception unveals a person’s self-awareness and honesty. Clarifying that perception is what the questions are all about and makes sure that the candidate deals with the topic head on. How the candidate deals with it offers a glimpse at how he or she might work out in a culture that values honest awareness. Good work!

Smart companies ask smart questions.

Pay attention to questions that go unanswered.

We are uniquely able to move on from questions before answering them. There can be several reasons: trust of the asker; uncertainty of the answer; inability to come up with an answer; lack of interest in finding an answer; or a distraction caused by the question that leads to an answer to a different question.

Regardless of the reason, the decision to not give an answer can be significant.

Depending on etiquette rules, the follow up on unanswered questions can be tricky business. Here is another idea: mark the question and return to it later (by yourself or with the person who did not answer), to consider the reasons it went unanswered. There is rich understanding that can develop by paying close attention to the questions that go unanswered. If the answers involve teamwork or other group dynamics, spend time on those unanswered questions because they speak volumes about how those folks get along.

At times, the unanswered questions we ask can be more telling than the answers we hear!

Job interviews are well-suited for learning how a person ticks. When my clients ask me to do so, I conduct pre-hire interviews as a “user’s guide.” The process is helpful for the person as well as for the employer because it turns out it helps both understand how the person gets things done and for what reasons.

Here are some of the areas I consider:

Motivations (what makes this person go, particularly when his or her fumes run low);

Goals (what does he or she aim for on the job and what does it look like when he or she gets there);

Behaviors (any particular user instructions worth noting, what standard operating procedure governs);

Fuel/resources (what makes things run right);

Range/flexibility (how far can he or she go, what does “stretch” feel like);

Needs (what feedback, relevance and recognition help this person stay productive);

“Evolvability” (what does change look like for him or her, how hard is it to come by);

Contribution (is he/she a team player or an individual contributor, describe play with others);

Purpose (for what reasons does this person want the job, to what end);

Quality (how does he or she compare himself or herself with others);

Expertise (what are the core talents, skills and competencies of this person and how do they operate).

Questions about past bosses and mentors and their impressions about the person help explore the above topics. When either of those is hard for the person to talk about, what friends and work colleagues think will suffice. Hypotheticals, analogies, and metaphors help delve into these topics too.

What would others who have worked with the person say about them? How does this person’s guidance system work? What does his or her navigation equipment look like? Is it reliable? When the person runs out of gas, has a danger light come on, or has some other calamity happen, what comes next? Folding these type of questions in helps better understand where the person stands on things.

These topics benefit from an exploration of his or her strength and style. Investigating the person’s duties and responsibilities helps explain his or her future potential. Focus on a given topic sheds light as well, for example, “Describe a role where you changed over time and let us both relive the steps you took to get from one place to another?” Always consider how he or she communicates with others and also, when he or she thinks through things alone.

To find the right people it pays to understand how they get things done: a user’s guide is a great start!

Some words make more sense than others. They offer a little magic in every sentence you find them. My basic rule: they must “work well” under almost all conditions, and work here means they must make sense. In other words, they must help people know what you are saying and understand it as you say it.

Here are three of my top “magic words”:

STUFF

“Stuff” tops the chart of magic words. Use it wherever you would like in your next conversation and see what I mean. It calms things down at the same time it leaves lots of flexibility to let people fill in the gaps between your thoughts. Stuff is the ultimate one word sense maker for the English language.

THING

Thing also works real well. Particularly in the “thingie” or “thingy” form, this word solves lots of language ills (missing or inadequate description, simplification of a complex thought, etc.). It replaces longer, more complicated explanations of what something might be. With it, you get to the point and make it clear what you want to do with it or about it without worrying too much about exactly what “it” is.

GO

Verbs can be troubling. “Go” seems to escape much of the wonkiness placed on other more complex verbs. At one syllable, it packs a punch! When I think of it, it constantly comes back to me as the ultimate action statement. Simple, to the point, and almost invisible. Go!

Magic words are the building blocks of understanding. This is what I look for in mine:

1) one syllable

2) broadly defined

3) context friendly

4) well-received (they have a sense of humor, are well-manored, and leave little aftertaste)

5) hard-working (can be used over and over again without offense)

Have any “magic word” candidates of your own?